The Hidden Patterns that shape how we relate

Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships

Let's face it: relationships can be difficult. And not just romantic ones. Sometimes it can be hard to feel totally safe, confident, or at ease around others in social situations or at work. We might feel anxious, cut-off, or invisible. We might struggle to say "No", avoid conflict, or downplay our needs to keep the peace. We might feel pressure to adjust who we really are in order to be accepted by others.

Attachment theory, offers a way to understand this, drawing on a psychological framework based on decades of research, it explains how many of our adult relationship patterns have deep roots in our early childhood experiences.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory describes how the emotional bonds we form with our caregivers in early childhood influence the way we relate to others throughout life. These early attachment experiences lay the foundation for our emotional development, our sense of safety, and our ability to trust and connect with others.

When a caregiver is responsive, emotionally available, and consistent, a child begins to feel that their needs matter. This helps them build a deep sense of self-worth, a belief that they are safe, seen, and worthy of love. From this foundation, they learn to trust not just others, but also their own instincts and emotional experiences.

This inner confidence becomes the basis for secure attachment. When a child knows they can rely on others without losing themselves, relationships feel safe and manageable. They are more likely to explore the world, express feelings, and ask for help when needed. These early experiences inform our approach to connection as adults, not just by teaching us that others can be trusted, but by helping us trust in ourselves.

As adults, those with a secure attachment style often feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They are generally able to manage emotions, communicate openly, and build balanced, healthy relationships. The emotional safety they experienced in childhood gives them a strong foundation for resilience and trust in relationships.

Understanding Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment develops when a caregiver is inconsistent, unresponsive, or emotionally unavailable. This doesn't always mean the caregiver was neglectful or unloving. Sometimes they might have been overwhelmed themselves, dealing with their own unresolved struggles, or doing the best they could with the resources they had. Instead of feeling safe and supported, the child may grow up unsure whether their needs will be met. This uncertainty creates a sense of emotional instability that can affect how they manage emotions and connect with others.

There are several different types of insecure attachment styles, each with its own patterns:

• Anxious attachment often develops when a caregiver is unpredictable; sometimes warm and loving, other times distracted or withdrawn. The child becomes highly attuned to the caregiver's mood, feeling they must stay close and continually seek reassurance. Over time, this can create a deep fear of abandonment. As adults, it's not uncommon to feel unsure of how to set boundaries while also struggling with a fear of rejection.

  
  

• Avoidant attachment tends to form when a caregiver regularly discourages emotional expression or ignores the child's need for comfort. The child learns that showing vulnerability doesn't lead to support, so they begin to suppress their needs and rely mostly on themselves.

  
  

• Disorganised attachment typically arises when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This can happen in situations involving trauma, neglect, or unresolved grief. The child is placed in an impossible position: younger children in particular, need a caregiver for their survival, and so instinctively turn to their caregiver to feel safe, but that same caregiver may also feel unsafe or unpredictable. With no reliable way to make sense of these conflicting signals, the child may feel confused, overwhelmed, or emotionally shut down. Over time, this can lead to emotional dysregulation and behaviour that seems contradictory, as the child tries to manage their need for closeness while also needing to pull away to protect themselves.

Insecure attachment isn't a conscious choice. It is a protective strategy, rooted in a nervous system that learned early on that closeness and danger can go hand in hand.

Insecure attachment can also be understood as a form of relational trauma. Not always the result of a single dramatic event, but often stemming from small, repeated moments where a child's emotional needs were missed, dismissed, or inconsistently met. These moments may seem minor in isolation, but over time, they shape the developing nervous system, and leave lasting imprints, influencing how we react to closeness, conflict, and emotional vulnerability. These responses aren't random, or a sign that something is wrong. They're influenced by the emotional environment we grew up in, and by how we adapted to keep our vulnerable selves emotionally and physically safe.

How Attachment Styles Show Up in Everyday Interactions

Attachment patterns can shape the way we relate to people at work, in friendships, and in social settings. They often influence how we navigate day-to-day interactions. Each style might present in different ways. For example:

Anxious Attachment

• Worrying about how you've come across in a conversation.

• Replaying interactions in your mind, looking for signs that something is wrong.

• Feeling unsettled if someone doesn't respond to a message quickly.

• Struggling to say "No", or to express your own needs.

• Seeking reassurance.

• Avoiding conflict.

Avoidant Attachment

• Preferring to work alone, or to keep emotional distance from colleagues.

• Feeling uncomfortable asking for help, or receiving support.

• Downplaying your own needs or brushing off stress.

• Avoiding emotionally vulnerable conversations.

• Appearing calm and self-sufficient, while feeling isolated underneath.

Disorganised Attachment

• Feeling unsure about how others see you, or where you stand with them.

• Finding collaboration and independence equally difficult to manage.

• Struggling to stay consistent in how much you share or engage with others.

• Feeling overwhelmed in group settings, or emotionally exposed after small interactions.

• Wanting connection, but fearing rejection, criticism, or being let down.

Attachment Styles in Romantic or Intimate Relationships

In romantic or intimate relationships, attachment patterns often become more intense. This is because these relationships can activate the same emotional vulnerabilities as our earliest bonds. Feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure of yourself in a close relationship often reflects deep-rooted strategies in childhood to stay emotionally safe.

Below are some common ways different attachment styles might affect how you respond to romantic or intimate relationships:

Anxious Attachment

• You may feel a strong need for closeness and reassurance, especially when your partner feels distant.

• If they don't respond quickly, you might worry they're pulling away or have lost interest.

• Small disagreements can feel threatening, and you might replay conversations over and over, wondering what went wrong.

• You might worry that you're "too much" or "not enough", and fear being abandoned or rejected.

Avoidant Attachment

• Emotional closeness might feel uncomfortable or overwhelming, even if you crave connection.

• When a partner becomes emotionally available, you may withdraw, shut down, or feel the need for space.

• You might find it hard to express vulnerability, and prefer to rely on yourself.

• Intimacy can feel like a loss of independence or a threat to your sense of control.

Disorganised Attachment

• You might experience a push-pull dynamic, longing for connection whilst also fearing it.

• Trust may feel unsafe, leading to intense or chaotic relationship patterns.

• You could feel flooded by strong emotions during conflict or closeness, and unsure how to regulate them.

• You may behave in contradictory ways, reaching out one moment, pulling away the next. You may even feel confused by your own reactions.

Healing Attachment Wounds: How Change is Possible

If you relate to some of the feelings or experiences described here, it doesn't mean you're broken. These responses are often your nervous system's way of protecting you, based on what has been learned, often sub-consciously, in relationships.

Moving towards healing isn't about placing blame; it's about understanding yourself with more compassion. Gaining insight into how the ways your ways of connecting relate to your early experiences can help you approach both yourself and others with more understanding.

When you begin to see where your responses come from, it becomes easier to soften them. Over time, with support and reflection, you can develop new ways of relating that feel safer, more connected, and more aligned with who you truly are. Whether through therapy, or through simple curiosity and self-awareness, healing is possible, and it begins with understanding.